Original Poem
Kelley Devine
Poem #4
10/5/13
Proof I Remember
I remember when I fainted in church when I was 10.
The light headed feeling traveled throughout my body
made me sick to my stomach.
The last thing I remember was the sound of the choir
rejoicing to God as I was falling to the floor.
My dad carried me out like I was dead
the church was silent and the mass went on.
I remember last year going outside to play soccer in the hurricane.
It was a stormy night at BSU rain falling as hard as ever
as I played soccer with all my friends.
We laughed, got dirty, and shared a memory
that will forever be imbedded in my mind.
As we walked into the halls of woodward,
we made a mess with dirt all over.
I remember putting on my first softball glove
and how natural it came to me to play the game.
Stepping onto the field with a smile on my face
taking my place in center field as Devine number nine.
Standing up to the plate with a bat in my hand
ready to take on the ball like I do with life.
Hit it and get a home run for the glory.
Revised Poem
Kelley Devine
I Remember continue
11/1/13
Back to the Future
Just a normal mass preaching to the man upstairs
reading the book and half paying attention.
Meaningless thoughts traveling through my mind
saying my Amens and Peace be to Gods.
Hands clutch the phew.
Head starts to spin.
Legs starts to tingle
as everything turns to black.
Wake up to the sounds of his voice
reviving and feeling confused.
Dirt, water, grass, everywhere I see
looking down to see it has become apart of me.
Rain pounding every ounce of my skin.
The ball comes to me.
Kids swarming towards me
as I run with the ball faster and faster
as I kick it as hard as I can.
It goes across the line
as we cheer for the victory.
Walking into the building
with dirt, grass, water, all over
sprinting for the showers
to have a waterfall of warmth.
Yellow, round, hard
the hand clutching object
that brought me to victories.
Mom would be so proud you know
she gave me the main catch to that
yellow, round, hard object.
Walking onto the triangle dirt shaped area
to get to the grass
where I played my part making mama proud
up to the final year
when I left that field
but return for more.
4 comments:
This revision is fabulous. You really got into the mind of your speaker in your revision by adding all the details and by getting rid of a lot of the "I's". For example instead of saying "I remember last year going outside to play soccer in the hurricane./It was a stormy night at BSU rain falling as hard as ever/as I played soccer with all my friends./We laughed, got dirty, and shared a memory" in the revised poem you say "Dirt, water, grass, everywhere I see/looking down to see it has become apart of me./Rain pounding every ounce of my skin./The ball comes to me." You still understand that the speaker is playing soccer in the rain and is getting dirty, but it is so much more vibrant in the revised version because we are inside of the speaker and seeing things as they see things. It was great. One area that could be developed is the repetition. In some areas you almost have repetition, but not quite, and I would adjust it so that you have the repetition because it would sound good. An example of this is when you say "Dirt, water, grass, everywhere I see" and then a few lines down you say "with dirt, grass, water, all over" You are almost repeating the phrase here, but not quite because the same words are in a different order, and it would sound really good if you did repeat the phrase so I would consider revising that and making it repeat the same phrase as before.
I like the distance you established in the revision. The second piece is more of a 'showing' rather than a 'telling' of the speaker's experience. It's as if the speaker is hovering above him/herself and commenting on their own actions. The images are also more palpable in the revision, and seem to be occurring in real-time rather than in the past.
In the line of the revision where the speaker wakes up to 'his voice,' I am wondering who the person is that is being referred to. Also,I realize the speaker is talking about possibly playing soccer, but maybe mentioning a goal might make it clearer.
Great job!
Hi Kelley!I have to say I really like the way you changed the lines within your revision. I feel like it helps me read it faster and adds flow to the poem.
The only thing is that i feel like there also isnt much change from your first poem. I would have loved to see the connection between these three stanzas within your poem and why they all work together. But nice job on the poem!
The development between the original and the revision of this poem truly impressed me!
Whereas the original seemed to be a series of statements, straight facts recalled by the speaker, the revision got inside the speaker's body and really conveyed the energy and emotion of these pivotal moments. The addition of this imagery gave the poem more of a purpose and direction and I can safely say I enjoyed the revision much more than the original.
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