Original:
He took me by surprise,
When I saw the violence in his eyes,
And a desire to destroy himself,
Like I had never seen before.
He was singing the saddest song when I first met him,
Songs of never-ending despair,
And the pain of one boy,
Who could never understand,
He was singing a song with his eyes,
That only I could hear.
He took me by surprise,
The day his eyes finally looked alive,
And the destruction that once followed like a shadow,
Was nowhere to be found.
It was the way in which he whispered,
He finally understood,
That surprise me so,
The way in which he cried,
Because he finally understood what it felt like to be alive.
It was the way in which he overcame himself,
That made me love him so.
Revision:
I was empty but in love
(I’m still trying to figure out how that could be)
with a boy whose eyes
shined with a violence
and desire to destroy
I had never seen before
Eyes that sang to me
a song of never-ending despair
the kind of pain that couldn’t be understood
despite relentless attempts
to dissect the inner workings
of a heart
that was constantly on the verge of never beating
again
He took me by surprise
singing that song
only I could hear
becoming the lullaby that put us to sleep
all those nights
when his pain threatened all that we had built
I was empty but in love
he had stolen all of me
and I was unable to let go of the pain
he had wrapped himself in
almost permanently
I lived with his pain
simply so I could be there
on the day it all went away
He took me by surprise
the day his eyes
finally looked alive
and I noticed the glimmer of green
I had never seen before
It was the way in which he whispered
he finally understood
that took me by surprise
the way in which he cried
because he finally understood what it felt like to be alive
it was the way in which he overcame himself
that made me love him
despite the emptiness that had become all of me
1 comment:
Apologies for my late revision, Gillian.
Awesome revision for a couple reasons. I like the addition of the line: "(I'm still trying to figure out how that could be)". It precedes the part where we are introduced to the "boy" so to me it sounds like the speaker is more bewildered by the fact that this love happened at all more than how it is about the boy; interesting concept.
Also, I really like what you've done with one thing specifically. When I first read the revision, I thought I was rereading some parts before realizing that some elements of your poem are reoccurring. Namely: "took me by surprise", his "eyes", "alive", and "empty." I didn't like it initially, thinking that the poem was redundant, but then I realized what it was doing and I read it out loud and it sounded incredibly musical. After I realized that I immediately thought of Gertrude Stein (except I actually like this poem and it's not annoying like Stein can be). But really, the repetition of some of the words and phrases over and over again really lend a musical component to the poem and it sounds beautiful. Particularly, everything seems to come together musically in the last stanza where most of these repetitions collide together.
I don't really know what to say for advice because I like it now. But if I had to, I would say: what is this "despair" that plagues the boy? It's just kinda open ended, I want to know what makes his despair different (if it is). But if you do revise, make sure you keep the repetitions in there, it's what really makes this one of my favorite poems we've read from class.
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