Eight
her whispers
echoe through my head.
i remember wanting to be a superhero.
"there is no such thing as superheroes
each step proved it,
bruised.
watching from above, vanishes.
my cape tangled, suffocating before the plummet.
falling, ill prove it to her
what is supposed to keep you in the air, up,
safe,
drops you.
i will be a hero, I will stand.
i remember getting the biggest battle
and chuckling, afraid? brave?
the biggest and baddest villain in the whole wide
universe
staring directly in my eyes.
woah.
little fingers twisted unceremoniously, palms sweating
i can and will be a superhero.
i taught myself how to keep going, break down the
walls, don’t be afraid of the dark,
don’t be afraid.
i’m not lying.
no.
blonde locks wrestle with the air that rushes past
eyes closed relentlessly avoiding reality, blue oceans shielded by darkness, calm
innocence corrupted
every single step.
broken.
bruised.
i stand up, eventually
i guess superheroes get boo boos
anger itching my skin like a bazzillion bumble bees
voice shakes, but i am confident
i am a hero.
i beat up all the bad guys real bad, i help people
who hurt, lots of bandades.
i clean up the biggest messes, i wipe away floods, i…i…
never give up no matter how hard you push.
i still am strong enough to color in the lines
i remember my cape tearing from my shoulders,
i felt like i was flying, soaring, i was finally a hero, momma look i
told you.
superheroes
are real.
your eyes widened, I guess I made you a believer.
i remember silence.
The cold gray mass of symbolic bereavment
kissed eloquently by the fingers of a fragile angel
shaky and weak, yet strong enough to write one word
Superhero
*all the punctuation serves a purpose
4 comments:
I love this revision, the original poem was awesome but this revised version takes it even further. I liked all the sections you added in that contribute to the childlike voice of the speaker like "i guess superheroes get boo boos/ anger itching my skin like a bazzillion bumble bees/voice shakes, but i am confident" it really brings that child's voice into the poem. Another section of the revision I really liked was how you changed "i am still strong enough to lo..." to "i still am strong enough to color in the lines" because that really sounded like something a child would say. Another thing I really liked in the revision was your use of font size, punctuation, and bolding, it really added to the physical appearance of the poem and made me read it differently when I read it aloud to myself. It did a lot for the poem. One area that could be developed more is "i remember getting the biggest battle" This area seemed unclear to me and sounded a little awkward when I read it aloud, I would consider rewording it a little.
A lot of this revision has some of the same wording as the original, but that it okay to me because it says that there is an important reason for the parts that are different. It seems you followed the advice in class about the line "i still am strong enough to lo..." Good move, I think. "bazzillion" seems like an appropriate word considering the fact the speaker is a child. My suggestion to you would be to keep pace with that wording. The words "unceremoniously," "relentlessly," and "reality" don't really seem like words a child would use casually. Although, I say this knowing that the child might not be the one speaking at these instances; it seems that these parts resemble something of narration: "eyes closed relentlessly avoiding reality, blue oceans shielded by darkness, calm // innocence corrupted". Is that true? Is there some entity present in the story beyond the child speaker?
I'm quite glad you put in the note at the end about the punctuation because I didn't want to brush off all this unique usage as mere peculiarity. Especially that hanging quotation mark... I have never been so interested in a piece of punctuation in my entire life. The closing quotation mark is absent; this is what is so striking to me. It suggests that there might be a conversation or thought that is ongoing, continuous and ever-present in the poem. In short, there is no end. But what does that mean? The line with the quote goes "'there is no such thing as superheroes". This may be being said by the mother, it doesn't strike me as the child's thought considering his attitude towards superheroes. Thus, this would explain the opening quotation mark. Yet, there is no closing mark, suggesting that perhaps the poem is encased entirely in the mother's conception that there is no such thing as superheroes. Thus, perhaps the child has some underlying or repressed doubts of a superheroe's existence as induced by the mother's own opinion. Very intriguing, and I would like to know the purpose of it if you wouldn't mind commenting back.
Alec,
This is one of my favorites of yours. I love the new word choices and the new lines. "Bazillion" is the perfect word because the speaker is so young. There are some words, such as "unceremoniously", that a child would not know or say. The speaker is still, in my opinion, undefined.
I can feel the sequencing of events happening. I love the one word lines. I think those are the most powerful. The lack of punctuation is also great! Adding the last stanza was the best thing you did. It gave me the chills.
Thanks for sharing. I love you pal!
Hannah
I really like that this version gives the speaker more of a childlike feel. I do remember that the class discussed it would be more believable if you used younger styled words. You managed to do that well with words like 'momma' 'boo boos' and 'bazillion'. Knowing what the poem is about, I get extremely sad for the little boy, and I think it's excellent you were able to portray such feeling. I liked the last stanza because the language was so much more eloquent, indicating the child wasn't speaking anymore. It was heartbreaking.
Looking through it the only thing I'd say to improve on is the spelling of some things. Other than that, good job.
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