Beyond the Door
Beyond the door
behind the deck
the world is whatever
it seems.
Variations occur
from minute to minute,
it can be anything.
At first, a mountain,
with a dangerous forest,
then, it's a mystical world.
Inhabited by
an array of creatures
embodied by four girls.
A pack of wolves,
traversing the land
fighting for
the right to rule,
running through
the snowy terrain
and morphing
from wolves into
a coven of witches
cackling and brewing
up the most heinous
of things.
A potion of poisons,
crab apples and petals
and ever-staining
dogberries.
Tossed in a cauldron
(or maybe a bucket)
with water and
grasses and worms.
Then the bats appear,
and dusk has fallen.
It's over, and
the backyard returns.
Revised:
Another Yard
Beyond the door
behind the deck
the world is whatever
it seems
variations occur
from minute to minute
it can be anything
at first, a mountain
with a dangerous forest
then, it's an enchanted world
inhabited by
an array of creatures
or maybe just four girls
a pack of wolves
traversing the land
fighting for
the right to rule
running through
the snowy terrain
and morphing
from wolves into
a coven of witches
cackling and brewing
up the most heinous
of things
A potion of poisons
crab apples and petals
and ever staining
dogberries
Tossed in a cauldron
or maybe a bucket
with water and
grasses and worms
then bats appear
and dusk falls
3 comments:
At first reading, I enjoyed the imagery in this poem. It is whimsical yet cohesive. I like the original as it was, and think maybe you could revise a different one for this assignment. I think the revision doesn't deviate enough from the original.
I loved your original poem! It flows really nicely, and you can picture the fairy tale ish backyard. I'd have to agree with Kass with the revision, it doesn't really seem like you changed much to the poem at all. I feel like it could be changed a bit, like the speaker or what the yard changes into. Other than that nice job!
This revision is very close to the original poem. I think it's clear that the speaker and approach to the subject matter didn't change in the revision process. In fact, I had to look very closely to be able to pick out the specific differences.
I missed the parentheses around "or maybe a bucket" in the revision, though I did appreciate the doubt about how real this fantasy world is being brought in sooner with the addition of "maybe" with the mention of the four girls.
I enjoyed the wistful, childlike fantasy of the original, but I definitely appreciate how the subtle changes in language in the revision made it a clearer vision of children at play.
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