Original Poem:
Shy
Now what is left for us to talk about?
Not much, but how there used to be a
lot.
Far back in time, when you had shinning
curls
But then you went and turned them oh so
dark.
Back when you used to laugh more than
you cried
Before your love turned black for the
first time
It seems just one wasn't enough for him
He had to break you too, and use you up
Before he moved on to destroy the next,
You see, you weren't the only one he
robbed
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Revision:
Shy
Chaos seeping in
at the roots,
Now all black
Go your once golden
curls.
Glares enough, just
to see,
On the dirty and dank
bathroom floor
That those spatters of dark
That those spatters of dark
All around where you
sat
Have bled into the
tiles on the floor
And the rank smell of change,
Even as some things still
And the rank smell of change,
Sickly chemical smell,
How you still keep on breathing it in.
Even as some things still
Are yet seeping within
I ask: are some seeping back out?
4 comments:
I am glad you stuck with the title. This took a major change! I appreciate the roots metaphor in the first stanza, it goes deeper than just hair.
I can smell the hair dye by the "rank smell of change" and I know its not just hair color but whole personality and that the speaker is not happy about it.
This tone is great, and the metaphor really works.
I want to know WHY the speaker is upset. What makes them this concerned for the metaphorical changes? I wanna know!!
Nice job, this has come a long way. Thank you!
I like how vivid your revision is compared to the original. It's descriptive, and as the reader, I imagine being in that dark bathroom with the addressee watching their downward spiral. Where it says 'And the rank smell of change/sickly chemical smell/How you still keep breathing it in," the lines show that the addressee is plummeting toward ruin.
I understand that there is an underlying darkness befalling the addressee,but I think the revision might lack concrete examples of the types of changes occurring within the addressee's life. In the original, for example, the speaker mentions the addressee changing their hair color. The revision could use 1 or 2 more changes like that to be more clear. I was also slightly lost when I came to the ending lines "Even as some things still/are yet seeping within/I ask: are some yet seeping out?" I think by adding those concrete examples in the body, the ending lines would make more sense in terms of what is seeping in and what is seeping out.
Overall,the revision is powerful. Wonderful job :-)
Nicole,
I enjoyed this poem for a couple reasons: 1. I loved the first line of your original and 2. It has so so much feeling in this poem that you can see the golden curls turn black or your not the only one he robbed. It gives the poem not just to read and be done, but to sit back and think about it and have the speaker see those that did get robbed by this guy or girl whoever it may be.
I think that your revision was one to be proud of. Their was so many more details and the feelings just put you in that setting and smelling the chemicals and being in the dark bathroom and better seeing the golden curls turn to black. I would like to see more feelings brought into the poem. How did the speaker feel? What was happening to them while this person turned dark? But overall amazing poem and good work!
I like the revision, overall everything you did for the poem greatly helped it, except for one thing. (I think.) Are the last three lines supposed to be individual lines? Because I think they would work better in a group of three like the other stanzas. Just a suggestion, though. Other than that it was great.
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