Original
The ocean breeze sweeps
Across the sea
And breathes
Life into me.
In the north
Atop a bowsprit I stand
I am king of myself
And obey no man.
My fingers shriek
And my blood stands still
Though I’ve lost all feeling
I can finally feel
Through isolation
I’ve found a peace
That many neglect
Or Fail to Achieve
If I had one wish
It would be
To share my happiness
With worthy company.
Revision
A gentle breeze caresses the ocean’s waves
And as it’s forced skyward by their shape
It breathes life into me.
Stationed in the desolate north,
Far removed from social interaction and love
I stand upon my ship, in charge of my own destiny.
The frigid winds pierce my skin
And my fingers shriek and bend.
My blood halts in the veins, my senses fail me
And I can finally feel.
Isolated, alone, I have achieved a glorified sense of
complacency
Which I mistake to be a feeling of peace
And I criticize the world for their lack of achievement.
Yet I yearn for more than what I’ve found,
But what I’ve found is what I sought.
I wish only to break the sound of self-praise
With real conversation and worthy company.
6 comments:
Cool poem, I would have liked to have had this one workshopped in class because it is so very interesting and very different from what I've seen (both the original and the revision).
The biggest change I see here is the enhancement in clarity from the original to the revision. For example, we are told of a "bowsprit" in the original, which indicates that the speaker is standing on ship. In the revision, the speaker outright declares he is on a ship. The original is noticeably more elusive and it's funny how the revision actually clears up some of the confusion--I don't mean to indicate that this is a bad thing in the original, it is just a note. Anyway, by being clearer, you have highlighted a certain line for me as the reader: "And I criticize the world for their lack of achievement." Jumps right off the page, I love it. It seems to be the equivalent of this line: "That man neglect // Or Fail to Achieve". But your revision seems to call much better and more critical attention to this line. It's powerful and to me, it makes the speaker a vibrant, pulsating human being. It's a bold statement to say that the world is "lacking in achievement" considering all things humanity has come to do (civilization, inventions, etc). It seems that this speaker has a set of values that is nontraditional; the speaker is criticizing a more abstract conception of humanity. It's very intriguing.
The revision works quite well for me, but if I had to offer a suggestion I would say that your first attempt was not bad at all with its subtlety. It sounded good, went along really well. Maybe try finding a middle ground between the subtlety of the original and the precision of the revision. The challenging part would be to preserve the importance and attention of that line I mentioned though. Overall, really nice poem, man.
* "That many neglect"
sorry, misquoted.
So hey Tony, as i have expressed to you on a multitude of occasions, your ability to articulate emotions into poetry is incredible. Your writing is something to inspire other writers to work harder, it is a genuine work of art, you have talent my friend. In terms of your revision, I am going to be honest and say that I don't feel as it needed it, I loved the subtle nature of the piece that directly correlated it with the wind, where now in the revision it feels a slight bit heavy. No opposition to your writing style at all, I still love the diction and how the words manage to lift of the page, how you can feel the wind and the sensations/emotions as you read.
Overall very nicely written, you should be proud of your work!
"Yet I yearn for more than what I’ve found,
But what I’ve found is what I sought.
I wish only to break the sound of self-praise
With real conversation and worthy company"
Gave me chills Tony, this is excellent.
Keep being a great writer,
Alec (Big)
Love ya Bro
Tony,
I love both of these and like Alec said the way you convey emotions in your poems is unbelievable. The diction you use in the second poem helps you create the mood I think you are trying to convey. I like the longer lines in the revision. It gives the audience the feeling you're conveying in the last stanza. I especially love the personification you use for the wind and ocean. Your 3rd stanza is incredible. Repeating the phrase "with real conversation and worthy company" may be helpful to the poem. If it was placed at the end of the first stanza as well, it would give the ocean the "life" you want to give it.
Thanks for your work!
Hannah
Tony,
I really found that the revision was easier to connect with in terms of what the speaker was experiencing. There is so much more description to help create an image. "desolate north" and "my blood halts in the veins" really drove home the point that what this speaker is completely isolated and somewhere that the weather preserves that isolation. Overall I think the revision brought with it more depth and imagery to make it that much more interesting.
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