The original:
you
called me beautiful and put your arms
around
my heavy soul that bore the names
of
every troubled member of my mind.
causing
so much pain causes hearts to bear
so
much more pain that it needs to hold
is
it always up to me to bear them?
was
this easy to bear? my mind running
faster
than it could ever go, hearing
the
cries and suddenly the silence of
his
heart thrown away for me and happy
lives
together growing apart quickly
Revised:
Breaking the Walls
you called me beautiful
i love when that happens
my happy life thrown away
along with my careless soul
i always end up a wreck
the silence of my heart
causes you to scream in pain
all the cries for help and
screams of silence
I was never good at telling anyone
how I really feel.
I have never been good at expressing myself.
There's no reason for this pain.
All I really need to do is change
the way I am doing things.
Thank you for the inspiration to change myself
for the better.
5 comments:
The revised is a bit choppy--showing the emotion of the speaker going back and forth between the excitement of the hug, and the anger/pain within. This speaker is in turmoil and completely new. They sound empowered and also fearful of expressing their pain. Its almost like an uneasy tide moving between the emotions. I appreciate this a lot, what a great use of words and spacing.
I am curious about why "i" isn't capitalized?
In the first stanza, I feel like scream and silence are repetitive--why? What's the aim here? Is this the lack of expressing of the emotion? Is this the speaker and addressee hiding their anger and pain?
"My happy life thrown away along with my careless soul" I love these two lines. They speak to me about what could have happened to make the speaker feel this way?
Thank you very much for allowing me to critique this. The speaker has changed incredibly, and it has come far from the original. I do miss "you called me beautiful and put your arms
around my heavy soul that bore the names
of every troubled member of my mind."
Good luck with your poems and paper. :] Thank you again.
I like this revision a lot, you have stepped away from your original poem and adjusted your speaker's voice, which I really enjoyed. I feel like the revised version gives us more of a view into the speakers heart and soul then the original poem did, for example in the original version we get "you called me beautiful and put your arms/around my heavy soul that bore the names/of every troubled member of my mind." and in the revised we get "you called me beautiful/i love when that happens/my happy life thrown away/along with my careless soul/i always end up a wreck" which is less abstract then the original version and is more of the speakers feelings then we get in the original. One area that could be developed more is the end of the first stanza when it says "all the cries for help and/screams of silence" this is a really strong line and I think you could benefit from adding more to this part and elaborating on it.
I really enjoyed the way you tied the first stanza into the second one. The lines "the silence of my heart/causes you to scream in pain/all the cries for help and/screams of silence" gets explained in the second stanza when the speaker tells us that they have a hard time with expressing feelings.
One part that could be developed more could be when the speaker talks about having to change the ways they do things. What things? I think that would give the poem more insight and give more impact to the line of being the inspiration to change.
I really loved this poem when I heard it in class the first time. I think the revised was a great addition into seeing how you truly feel. I feel like a lot of people can relate to the feelings you portray in the poem. I like that the poem ended saying that an inner change is necessary. When I read the poem, I wanted to know what the speaker feels at the lines 'I was never good at telling anyone/how I really feel.' It was perfect, because I cannot actually ask the speaker something they cannot explain themselves.
To me, the first lines of the original, 'you called me beautiful and put your arms/around my heavy soul that bore the names/of every troubled member of my mind.' was very strong. It was a bit wordy, but I wish you had kept it. Overall, I enjoyed it.
I really like how drastically different this is from your original-you really tried to make it different. I did also like how in the original though you had the two questions, I thought that they really added to the poem and drew the reader in.
But I did like how in the first one, the first few lines, "you called me beautiful and put your arms/around my heavy soul that bore the names/of every troubled member of my mind." I thought those were really powerful and was wondering where they were in the revision.
Great rewrite!! :)
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