That moment when the world stops.
I remember the butterflies in my stomach when you said “I
love you”
And then you left.
Gone.
For months I waited, wondering if you would ever come back.
And finally, you did.
But people don’t believe me,
They yell and think I ruined things for you.
Did I?
You never say.
You just cover it up with jokes, picking fun at me,
But making me fall further in love with you every day.
I remember you singing, not so great, but at the top of your
lungs in the car
The way you would look at me, smile and then hold my hand
tight.
I remember my bad days, and how you were the first to always
make me feel better.
The early mornings, just so we could have a breakfast date
before classes,
The late nights, just so we could snuggle as we slept.
I wonder where life will take us,
But I guess neither of us really knows.
I guess I proved one thing,
I do understand “love”
Revised Poem: "Still in Love"
That moment the world stopped.
I remember the look in your eyes when I said "I love you"
Then I left.
Gone.
For months I was lost, but dated other people,
and then I realized I wanted you back.
People said we aren't good together, because of our fighting past.
You worry about it so much,
but I don't believe them.
Which is why I say nothing about it.
Instead, I pick fun at you, because I love your laugh and that you don't get sarcasm.
Then the memories creeped back into my head,
and I realized I'm still in love with you.
I remember singing terribly in the car just to hear you laugh,
then I'd grab your hand and hold it tight.
I hated your bad days and tried to make them better.
Early breakfasts, at our favorite spot were a great way to start the day,
and you always stayed up late waiting for me,
so we could sleep peacefully wrapped in each others arms.
I wonder where this life will lead,
and if you'll end up with me.
But I guess neither of us really knows.
* For my revision, I really switched the speaker, and changed it to the person the first poems speaker was talking to. I love it this way because now you get both sides of the story. I think I enjoy my revision better than my first poem.
3 comments:
Reading these poems side by side, I like the revision a lot. It mirrors the emotions the two speakers feel very well. Things become clearer in the second revision, such as why the addressee in the original "picks fun" at the speaker of the original. It's kind of cute really.
I also like the change from "stops" to "stopped" in the first line. When you use the word "stops," it creates a continuous circuit as if the world makes a habit of stopping. In the revision, you have changed this and the world "stopped" as if the world has stopped only one time. To this speaker, there is a presence of finality whereas the previous speaker views their world in a continuous, repetitive world.
Unfortunately, I am inclined to say that this poem doesn't work in some places for the same reason that I like it. On its own, this poem loses its impact. Even though you've changed the speaker, this one doesn't seem to say much that is different from the speaker of the original poem (except for the stops/stopping part). It is clear that the perspective has changed, that, for example, it is this speaker who has left, however, the emotion in this speaker is too similar to that of your original's speaker. I can barely tell them apart. If you've done this intentionally, I can see the function of this when these poems are being compared side by side--it reflects the fact that these two people are on the same level, mirroring each other's emotions. A pretty sentiment if the poems are presented together. But if the revised poem exists on its own, we lose this interpretation.
So I might suggest overall that you give the speaker a newer emotion or feeling. Maybe he loves the girl more than she loves him? Or maybe not as much? Just thoughts, you don't have to listen to these at all if you don't think it's necessary.
Melody, what surprises me is your lack of confidence in your own ability. You have talent as a writer, you have a way with placing emotions into words, a way of articulating feelings. The only problem I have is that your revision seems to lack purpose, it seems that the re-write doesn't have a real purpose, that everything would be the same without this revision. I want to feel a purpose when reading this poem, give me meaning, or reason behind the speaker, something to shock me or reel me in, instead I feel like I have read this already. Possibility: Maybe one of them is dying? Make it emotionally eradicating. You have talent and potential, stay amazing, you got the stars in your hand! :)
Alec
Your Best Friend.
I really appreciated the bold change in the speaker between the original and the revision while still keeping the subject matter, even from line to line, almost exactly the same.
I was glad this piece was given a title in the revision, though I think it could possibly have been something stronger or more enlightening in regards to the speaker.
In both poems, I wish that there had been more imagery. The things being discussed by the speakers are emotional and complex and it would be nice to see some of that rendered with artistic language.
Post a Comment