Original:
71 and Counting
You have always been there.
a figure
that is always lurking
the wrinkles
show the battle scars
and victories
wisdom and fear
aren’t friends,
but results
a lifetime of pain
cannot be hidden
battles won and lost
mold character
and change the future
You and me
will forever be bound
by blood
and by choice
the legacy You leave
will not be forgotten
but cherished
Revised:
71 and Counting
You have always been there.
a figure
that is always around
but never makes a sound
the wrinkles that you have
show the battle scars
and victories of the life
that you don’t mention
anymore
wisdom and fear
aren’t friends,
but results of the past
and future
a lifetime of pain
cannot be hidden
from your words
or your tears
battles won and lost
people come and go
life changes
but you stay the same
you and me
are infinite
by blood
and by choice
the legacy you leave
will not be forgotten
but cherished forever
3 comments:
Kayla, I like how you changed "lurking" in the first stanza to "always around/but never makes a sound," I remember in the class discussion regarding this poem that we talked about its connotation and I think this change serves the poem well.
I also really like the changes in the second stanza, the minimal knowledge you give the reader regarding the rational behind the subject choice not to mention the "battle(s)" and "victories" of thier life any longer, though they presumable once did, is really interesting and makes me want to know why.
In the third stanza you added the phrase "of the past and future," however, I think the stanza may be more powerful in it's original form-the phrase "wisdom and fear/aren't friends,/but results" on it's owm is a very powerful and commanding statement and I don't think yoo need to add the context of "past" and "future"
Great job!
I appreciate the changing of lurking. I also love the different emotions and the line "You and me are infinite by blood and by choice." This shows us that you're not just related.
Again, I want to know her battles. I want to know what makes her this way. Tell us. Make something up or go truthful. Show us what she has had to bare.
Nice job, its come a long way! Thank you!
Kayla,
I think you make a huge leap from the original to the revision. I felt your revision was one to be proud of. You got so much description, feeling, and the "I feel like I know her" though that is coming into my head. I love this legacy and I would love to know more. But it's the scars, the lifetime of pain, the wisdom and fear that all draw you into this poem and the title is my favorite part because it shows that yes it a old age but their is more to come.
I would recommend maybe chunking some of this together and put more of you into it. maybe some things you and this person did or maybe a favorite line she would say or something like that.
But overall I loved it!
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