I lay there
and realized it would
never be again.
You left,
into the elevator
and out the door.
(I haven’t trusted
(I haven’t trusted
machines since.)
Where did you need
to get to so fast?
And why were they
so complicit in it?
Probably to New Hampshire,
(where I decided
all things that
need to get lost go)
to sleep in stables
next to Willa Cather,
or eat braised lamb
off his fat nose.
Revised
I Never Read My Antonia
You left,
into the elevator
and out the door.
I haven’t trusted
I haven’t trusted
machines since.
Where did you need
to get to so fast?
And why were they
so complicit in it?
Probably to New Hampshire,
where all things that
need to get lost go,
to sleep in stables
next to Willa Cather
or eat braised lamb
off his fat nose.
I only made a couple significant changes to this poem. The first, I removed the first three lines that James had originally wrote. I wanted the poem to be slightly less reflective than it was. Second, I removed the paranthetical thoughts from the body of the poem, and integrated them into the lines, so that they are no longer thoughts commenting on the poem, but a part of the poem itself. Lastly, I changed the line "where I decided all things that need to get lost go" to "where all things that need to get lost go." This creates a more definite image. New Hampshire isn't a place where I have decided things go to, it is THE place where things that get lost go.
Oh, shit, and I added a title. That's probably pretty significant, too.
6 comments:
I really enjoyed your revision to your poem, while the changes aren't huge they do have a positive impact on the poem itself and make the speaker seem more sure of themself. For example, instead of saying "Probably to New Hampshire,/(where I decided
/all things that /need to get lost go)" in your revised version you say "Probably to New Hampshire,/ where all things that/ need to get lost go," I liked this part of the revision because your speaker seems more convinced then they did in the original, New Hampshire becomes the only logical destination instead of being only a possibility. One area that could be developed more is the end of the poem because it is kind of unclear. I looked up Willa Cather and she is an author, so I was confused as too who's fat nose the braised lamb is being eaten off of because you say "to sleep in stables/ next to Willa Cather,/ or eat braised lamb/ off his fat nose.", so I would add more details to that section so it is understood who's nose the lamb is being eaten off of.
Brett,
I really enjoyed reading this poem as it was even better the second time than the first time. When I read the part about the elevator, it make me think of how many people have that phobia. But you made it more into a you left and never came back sorta phobia.
The other thing I would say is to probably continue this poem. As I got closer and closer to the end, it didn't seem like the story was over with the last line being eating braised lamb off his fat nose...then what? Go more into detail, bring whoever is reading this to the setting of that moment.
Overall, I really liked your poem and felt the revision was one to be proud of
I agree with Heather; the adjustments, though minor, made a huge difference in the revision. Deleting the first three lines brings the reader right into the speaker's present condition because one instantly understands the implications of 'You left', without so much as a blink. It sets the tone for what the speaker will feel/express next.
I am pleased that there was no change to the speaker's wariness of elevators; that part of the poem is clever yet suggests that the speaker's paranoia may have contributed to why the 'You' in the poem left in the first place.
I will say that I am baffled by the ending, particularly where it says 'or eat braised lamb/off his fat nose'; Is the 'he' the person that the speaker was left for? Or am I missing some background information connecting the mystery 'he' to Willa Cather (I know she wrote My Antonia)?
Overall, nicely done.
Background information is being willingly withheld. Suffice to say, the last two bits are things that something/someone getting lost in New Hampshire could do. (It makes more sense if you're familiar with this particular area of New Hampshire, or are me.)
Like John said earlier on in the semester, when you make references you accept the risk of alienating people who don't understand the references. I accept that risk wholeheartedly.
Hi Brett! I have to say I love this poem. I think it's good that you removed the first three lines and really made the poem you're own. ( I also get the NH references!) The only thing is that I wish it was a bit longer. I understand how it flows and it makes sense short, but i love your writing and would have loved to see what else you could do with the poem.
Firstly, I'm glad this piece got a title. It definitely contributes to the overall cohesiveness of the poem and gives it some kind of contextual frame, making the Willa Cather reference at the end less jarring.
That being said, I missed the parentheses in the revision. They added a sense of the speaker developing these ideas on his own as he spoke, rather than reciting predetermined ideas about what occurred.
I did not, however, particularly miss the opening line. It's absence does leave the poem without a physical context for it's speaker, but I don't think it's needed.
Well done! (although I honestly thought Willa Cather was the name of a male horse in the stable that someone was apparently having dinner with)
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